Sensitive

Tyler has always tread lightly, seeking to walk in others' shoes. At 5 years old, he says to me in frustration, "How do you think I feel? How do you think that makes me feel?" This is pretty sophisticated for a senior kindergarten child. Then again, he has counseled his 3 year old sister on why it isn't fair to SHOW you have a favourite, and why you can't just show love to one person, or to one person more than other. He tells her, "you need to love other people too, or they feel left out." He has a child's sense of fairness - when given a gift at school, he will save some to bring back to his sister.

He is cheerful at school pick-up, but sometimes hours later will reveal some interpersonal conflict that troubled him. I know I am privileged to be taken into confidence, so I try to listen first of all, take his lead, and help him work out how he feels and might do. And, unfailingly, take his side. The classroom and playground can be rough and loose, and some days, I need to let him transition back to home life, and even to build him back to the child I see, the one who is loving and loveable.

He is more observant, socially savvy, and has more experience with his peers this year. It also means he might be more vulnerable to having his feelings hurt, whereas last year he may not have noticed slights or how kids close ranks and can be fickle. I see the ebb and flow of his own attachments - they reveal themselves in a daily-changing birthday invite list.

He recognizes when being sick gives him a reprieve. He takes a day off school and it stands in also as a mental health break. I will give him these through his school career. If adults can have autonomy at work, and can plan vacation, so too kids should be able to escape sometimes from routine.

He is sensitive, and if nurtured, makes up his nature, and what makes him whole. I will help him protect this, the thing that will keep him open to the world, and to others. If he can be sensitive and remain optimistic, it will turn into a gift he can give: to reflect others back to themselves, to be a negotiator, an encourager, a peacemaker, a teacher/coach/mentor. If he can remain self-aware and confident, he can pursue happiness and purpose/meaning in life.

The older he gets, the better I learn what prayers to pray over him.

First day of school!

We walk him to school, for his first day of Senior Kindergarten (SK)! My brother joins us, as he did last year, and I think it will be a tradition, since he lives and works close by. It is, after all, a day of significance. Kids remember the small things, and Tyler remembered last year, when his uncle accompanied him on the walk to school.

There is a buzz of activity in the school yard. We gravitated towards his teacher from last year, but she redirected us. Tyler's SK teacher has been teaching at the school for several years, and returned from maternity leave in March. She called him by name to join her line. He has the same ECE as last year, a gentle educator who has the respect of the kids. 

I note who else is in his line, including one of his best friends from last year, and a well-behaved boy whose mom I know from volunteering for class trips and events. When it starts to rain, his line, in good order, goes in first. 

He's a little quiet and nervous, but he's ready. I've told him to expect to see his friends again, and to make new friends. I've told him to reach out to little ones in his class who look lonely, or like they need help. He has indoor shoes, lunch & snacks, his favourite shirt, a long raincoat & boots.

A couple more pictures and the bell rings. We look ahead to pick-up, when he will tell us about his day! We've both taken the week off work, so we can drop-off and pick-up together for the rest of the week. 

An hour later, his little sister wakes up - she will adjust also, to playing on her own again these mornings. 

The best bedtime stories

For my kids, the best bedtime stories consist of retelling their day to them, selecting the best parts of what they did and experienced. In the telling of it, I affirm their choices, give them assurance that what they do had been observed, and help them settle and set aside the events of the day.

Tonight as I was getting my 3 year old daughter to sleep, I said "today, you took good care of your animals and dolls. You gave each of them at least one toy to play with. The bunny had a teddy, the teddy had some cars, the cat had some trains, and the dog had some trains, too." She perked up and said, "yes, I love them all and take care of them!" 

I tell her how thoughtful she is to think of everyone, and she wriggles with happiness, and then drifts off to sleep. 

For my 5 year old son, it is the same strategy, but I also think through his day about assertions he had made, and things he has said that I can agree with, and I repeat them to him. It's a longer process, but he, being older, has more to work out before he can settle to sleep. I will tell him that when he was playing outside he did do some amazing circus-type tricks as "Tyler the Magnificent," and I recount what they were (swinging on the 'trapeeze,' running up the slide, etc). For him it also helps to say a prayer and incorporate whatever may be troubling him. We give his worries away. 

For both kids, it used to be enough to just repeat "I love you," but this is a new way, a way that says, "I see who you are and what you do, and I love you." 

Lazy days of summer

In fact, we are making hay while the sun shines. I'm investing six weeks of summer in my kids, and building them up as much as I can before we get carried off into the school year, and all it entails. I'm plying them with books and reading time, having conversations with them, initiating activities, taking them places, and arranging play dates and family time. In other words, I'm aiming to be more interesting than the iPads they tend to turn to when there is seemingly a free moment.

We are slowing down a little this week, because we are all a little under the weather. There is something so dear about a little sister falling fast asleep in her older brother's too small for him, too big for her hoodie, the first thing I grabbed for warmth as they were heading to the basement to watch Master Chef with my mom and play with Lego.

We are:

-Enjoying the waning days of summer, as the nights are already cooling quickly.

-Warding off the occasional nightmare, which I wonder whether reflects the anticipation of an upcoming school year, in which the five-year old is again thrust into the stimulating but sometimes disorienting / unexpected happenings of kindergarten.

-Hugging tightly, snuggling up in the morning while half-asleep, joking about "good-night forever, I mean, good-night until tomorrow!"

Church community

Of all the communities we are involved in, the one that has nurtured and sustained us the most has been the church family. We encountered parents of older children, who offered advice and encouragement in those heady newborn days. We were given clothes and toys, new and previously loved. We strengthened ties with those who had kids of the same age. We learned what play dates were - an opportunity to realize that we were not alone in this new role - we had swimming partners to help keep our heads above water.

It's been over five years, and it is as it should be - our kids are growing up together with their peers, looking up to older kids, and patting smaller kids (those babies!) on the head.

My kids are known by others, particularly by the high school and university students who have answered the call to serve in their classes and in the summer camps. The kids are known for their actions, for their preferences, for their personalities, for their voices and the sound of their laughter. What can't be seen is how quickly they are growing: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These are the things that the parents mark, and hold in their hearts.

This past week Tyler was in Vacation Bible School (VBS). It was his second year, and much has changed since last year. In 2014, his first year, he hadn't yet started school, and was nervous at drop-off. The feedback was that he was quiet, and talked about missing me. They did draw him out, and he was willing to be engaged in the activities. The music was of biggest impact to him - he sang and danced enthusiastically.

This year, six staff members individually sought me out to tell me how smart he was, and how impressed they were with him. He raised his hand to answer questions, and remembered what he was taught. Each day he went he looked forward to going, and he brought home stories and crafts.

Each day he is becoming more his own person. He is of his family but independent of us as well. He carries his given name as well as the family name.

There were a few times this week when he interacted with the church pastor. I took note that the pastor, as the other staff, treated him like an independent thinker. At some point, as parents, we stop speaking on behalf of our children, and let them speak for themselves. They also asked him to own up to his actions, and be accountable for them.

He still accepts what he is told, for the most part, accepting answers given to questions asked in curiosity and in idleness, but there will be a time when he will question what he is given, and more actively seek out answers for himself.

We are blessed in being part of a community that is helping us raise the kids, has invested in their spiritual well-being, and seeks to know their hearts. If you have kids, I'd encourage you to seek this out for yourself, for theirs and your sake!

From April 25, 2015

Saturday afternoon

Thankful for the time to spend with Tyler (4 years old), & Ashley (3 years old). We spend over 3 hours outdoors, first with a snack, then playing with bubbles, then in the front yard letting the herbivorous dinosaurs munch on the perennials and roam the desert (dried mounds of soil).

We sit and collect hundreds of pine cones in a bucket, then I do some yard work as they sit companionably on the front lawn, sip from thermoses, and chat with one other.

These are the fleeting moments and days that make up a life, simply enjoying nature and one another. I've thought it before but realize anew how generous God is, as expressed in creation. We are awash in pine cones, the kid-scaled dinosaurs have an abundance to eat with just a small patch of lawn, the breeze cools us as we work, and we take in the sun that seems never to stop shining.

The days are just packed...

It's nearing the end of the school year, but the teachers seem to still be going full-tilt. There is a fun fair tomorrow night, various school trips planned, a second Scientists in the School session, hot dog and pizza lunches, Father's Day craft event, report cards...

It happened that Tyler turned 5 years old! We went with a small contingent to Chuck-E-Cheese! We put all the tickets towards a toy hammer, and have a stash of tokens left for another time.

We keep a running calendar and the summer weekends in particular are filling up. I'm doing something new this summer, taking five weeks off without pay so I can spend more time with the kids on educational activities, give my mother in law a break, host my own mom for a few days, and be able to do some daytime sight-seeing in our own city. The kids are a tad young for long days at camp, and I'd rather invest in them on my own rather than outsource it, at least for half the summer. It did somewhat give me pause to recognize exactly how much it costs to have 'free time' rather than paid time for part of the summer, but we've always said that time is worth more than money. It applies for more costly house/shorter commute, vacations, occasional convenience purchases, and time spent with family.

I'm thinking about a three-family vacation, perhaps some standing weekly play dates, water and sand play in the backyard, science activities, outdoor art activities, reading and writing activities, dress-up activities, Lego, fort-building, and some purging and cleaning up of the house!

The trick in some cases will be devising activities that interest both of them, or can be adapted up or down. I feel like I'm experimenting with home-schooling in that I would like to have a schedule and some curriculum/subjects that can be covered, even some larger multi-day projects. More to come!